Todd Patkin shares tips from his book Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In
This interview first aired 7 years ago! But Todd's advice is evergreen and still holds the same truth today.
Todd Patkin has struggled with depression and anxiety for much of his life. The author of Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In , he asks "Are you really, truly happy?"
While Todd admits that everyone’s path is different, he believes the real key for all of us is self-love. When we can stop beating ourselves up over our mistakes and start celebrating all the things we do right, we can finally be happy. We must change the way we think about ourselves, and for some of us that’s a major journey—but the good news is there are some specific “shortcuts” that will get us there faster. “We’re all longing for happiness,” he says, “We think we can achieve it by losing ten pounds or kicking a bad habit or making more money, and that’s why we vow to do those things year after year after year. But I’ve found that true happiness isn’t about those kinds of achievements. Instead, it comes down to learning to love yourself. And there are some very specific things you can start to do now to move in that direction.”
What is happiness, anyway? What does it look like? And—most important of all—how can we achieve it? Todd thinks he has the answer to this question with his 10 simple secrets for making this your happiest year yet. “You don’t have to do all of them at once—just focus on the three or four that resonate most with you and do those.”
Todd’s Top Ten Tips for a Happier Life:
1. If you don’t exercise, start. You already know exercise keeps you healthy and helps you control your weight. But did you know it’s also a natural antidepressant? In Finding Happiness, Patkin pays homage to the mood-boosting powers of exercise. And you don’t need to run a marathon to reap these benefits (even though Patkin actually did run one—the Boston Marathon—in 2007). “You can decide that this is the year you will finally make exercise a part of your life,” he says. Even a twenty minute walk every other day is great for both your body and mind if you do it consistently. And the good news is you can do it with your spouse or kids—and spending more time with them is another shortcut to happiness.”
2. Be easier on yourself. A lot of New Year’s resolutions are little more than thinly disguised vehicles for beating yourself up. (“I’m too fat—this year I will lose twenty pounds!” Sound familiar?) There’s nothing wrong with self-improvement, says Patkin, but it needs to come from a place of love. Yes, you need to love and forgive yourself for your mistakes and shortcomings…and that’s tough for many Americans. “The American work ethic has made our country great, but it has also made us chronically unhappy,” says Patkin. “Many of us have a we’re-never-good-enough-or-doing-enough mindset that’s antithetical to happiness. It’s not easy to change these ingrained thought patterns, but it can be done. And becoming aware of this tendency is the first step.”
3. Find some way this year to put your gifts and talents to work. Talent wants to express itself. If your job doesn’t allow it to do so, find something that does. (Yes, it would be better to find a job that lets you do what you’re great at, Patkin acknowledges—but let’s face it, that’s not always possible in a bad economy!) “Playing to your strengths brings real happiness,” he notes. “And when you combine those strengths with a desire to do something good, it’s a double whammy. For example, if you’re a store manager with a flair for writing, and you also love animals, you might offer to pen a weekly newspaper column for a local dog or cat rescue group.”
4. Build richer relationships with loved ones. Is your marriage running on autopilot? What about your relationship with your kids? Do you come home from work and sit in front of the computer while they play in another room (or worse, watch TV)? Too many Americans fail to engage their families in a meaningful way, notes Patkin. “Not only do you miss out on the joy your loved ones could be bringing you, on top of that you end up feeling guilty about neglecting them,” he says. “Decide that this is the year you’re going to improve these relationships. It is really about spending more time with the most important people in your life doing what they want to be doing with you.”
5. Celebrate your spouse. And speaking of your marriage…how is it? If it’s mired in negativity or characterized by bickering or tension, you’ll never be happy. (In fact, Patkin says if you’re married to a negative person who drags you down, you’d be best served by ending the union—but only if you’ve tried everything else.) The good news is that it may not take a lot of effort to dramatically change the tenor of your marriage. “If you’ve gotten to a place where you resent your spouse or feel chronically angry with him or her, only you can change that,” he says. “Make an effort to speak gently and kindly. Surprise her with a small gift, or do one of his chores, or pick up something special for dinner. Random acts of kindness are always powerful, and that’s even truer inside a marriage.”
6. Let the people you appreciate know it. Yes, of course you need to let your close friends and family members know how you feel about them. That’s a given. But what about your coworkers? Your barber? Your child’s teacher? The neighbor who keeps an eye on your house when you’re away? Most of us are too self-conscious to make a big fuss over the people who are sort of on the periphery of our lives but who nonetheless make a big impact—and Patkin says changing that is a key component of happiness. “Be generous with hugs,” he suggests. “I’ve always been a hugger, and while people may be taken aback at first, they quickly come to appreciate my openness. If you’re just not the hugging type, that’s fine: Try thank-you notes instead. Letting people know how grateful you are for what they do makes two people happy: them and you.”
7. Forgive someone who has wronged you. This is the other side of the “forgive yourself” coin. Just as you deserve a break, so do other people. And forgiveness is, at its heart, an act of self-love. If you can’t let go of pain and anger, you can’t be happy. “Living with your anger and resentment is a recipe for misery,” writes Patkin in Finding Happiness. “For one thing, those two emotions reverberate through your mind and body, setting up toxic thoughts, physical stress, and, yes, illness. And for what? You are the one walking around feeling miserable while the objects of your anger are often totally oblivious to your feelings.” The point? Resolve to forgive someone who has caused you pain. Whether you call or visit an estranged ex-friend or write a letter to a deceased parent, you may find the gesture immensely liberating.
8. Become a giver. Happiness is not about how much you make; it’s about how much you share. Your income and/or net worth has nothing to do with happiness, says Patkin. (“I’ve been wealthy and miserable at the same time, so I know,” he insists.) How much you give—of your money, your time, your self—does, however. That’s why you should find a way to share your fortune (not necessarily the monetary kind!) with others. “If you have good health, a sound mind, and as little as an hour a week to spare, you are truly fortunate,” he says. “Whether you’re tutoring kids who need a helping hand or delivering hot meals to the elderly, there’s great joy to be found in giving. “Many people know this intellectually; they’ve just never put it into practice,” he adds. “Make this the year you do it. Just give up some of the time you waste in front of the TV or mindlessly surfing the Internet. You’ll find that it’s no sacrifice at all.”
9. Take a “baby step” toward finding some faith. This year, make a conscious effort to think a little bit more about your faith, perhaps check out a few different places of worship, or maybe read a couple of spiritual books. Happy people have a connection to a Higher Power. If you aren’t sure there even is one, make this the year you do some honest exploration. “You don’t have to go to church, temple, or a mosque—but you do need the ability and the willingness to see God’s work in your life,” says Patkin, who writes in his book about the moment he realized God not only exists but has a plan for him. “It will change your life and the lives of others. A true relationship with a higher power keeps you from becoming too self-centered and focuses your energy and concerns on the greater community rather than just on you.”
10. Make this a year of gratitude. If you make only one change , make it this one, says Patkin: Work to be more appreciative in general. For the most part, becoming more grateful just means opening your eyes to the blessings you already have. “Gratitude covers a lot of territory,” he says. “When you’re grateful for your family, you’ll treat them better. When you’re grateful for talents, you’ll use them. When you’re grateful for your health, you’ll work to maintain it. All of these add up to happiness.” What Patkin is really talking about is a shift in attitude. All of his tips are simply devices for helping us make that shift. “It’s ironic: Most of us have everything we need to be happy,” he says. “The tragedy is we’re sleepwalking through life without really noticing that truth. If we could learn to live with an attitude of gratitude—for our kids, our homes, our friends, our health, the food on our tables—we wouldn’t need to worry about finding happiness. We’d be living it every day.”